The Perverted Facts of Life
by OwlinAMinor
Summary: Thanks to Max, Fang has to ask Iggy what he knows about The Facts of Life.  This triggers Iggy to recite The Perverted Facts of Life in its entirety.  And Angel listens to the whole thing.   Based of The Facts of Life, for Saint's Sequels Contest.


**THE PERVERTED FACTS OF LIFE**

**RATING: T (For sexual themes and/or references. For Fnick's sake, it's called The Perverted Facts of Life! What did you expect?)**

**CHARACTERS: Fang & Iggy**

**POV: Angel**

**DESCRIPTION: Thanks to Max, Fang has to ask Iggy what he knows about The Facts of Life. This triggers Iggy to recite The Perverted Facts of Life in its entirety. And Angel listens to the whole thing. (Based of The Facts of Life, for St. Fang of Boredom's Sequels Contest.)**

**WARNING: I wouldn't suggest reading this if you like Fang. At all. He gets mentally scared for life. Plus, there's plenty of perverted-ness. You know, with The Perverted Facts of Life and all …**

**(This is written from Angel's POV – if I wrote it from Iggy's, I wouldn't be able to get the perverted-ness right, and if I wrote it from Fang's, I wouldn't be able to get the pain right. Plus, Angel doesn't understand most of it, so now I can keep the rating T! Yay! Woohoo! Broccoli!)**

**Dis of the Claimer variety: If you believe I am James Patterson, you SERIOUSLY need your eyes checked. Like, seriously. He's an old man, for Fnick's sake, and I'm a teenage girl ish type thing! In other words, NO I DON'T OWN THE CHARACTERS OF MAXIMUM RIDE YOU IDIOT. Also, I am not the reincarnation of pure awesomeness (much as I wish I was) so I am not St. Fang of Boredom. As such, I don't own the original The Facts of Life story plotline, or Another Form of the Avian Bird Flu, or Justin. Nor do I own Diary of a Lovesick Mutant, Phoenix Fanatic's epic fanfiction (which I've been recently re-reading). And I don't own Stolen by Kelley Armstrong (from which I stole the quote "Go to hell." "Don't rush me.") or Chuck Norris. I do, however, own Perverted Facts of Life 11 through 22. My friend Lilah a.k.a. FlyingSolo365 owns 1 through 10.**

**Speaking of Lilah, I'd like to thank her for editing this.**

**I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**Three … two … one … BOOM!**

* * *

The Flock doesn't like it when I read their thoughts.

In soft, well-mannered tones barely concealing their annoyance, they tell me that it's an "invasion of their privacy" and it "hurts their feelings".

I guess I can see where they're coming from. I wouldn't want anyone to know what I'm thinking and feeling all the time.

But what the Flock doesn't get is that reading their minds is part of my job. It helps keep them safe. I have to monitor their thoughts so that if their thoughts start to be scared or mad or nervous or just not right in some way, I can help them before things get out of hand. If I didn't do that, why else would I have my special powers? If I'm not meant to protect the others, why was I given this ability?

And even they sometimes have to admit that my powers can be useful.

Like the time Gazzy put shaving cream on the toilet as a prank but forgot and was about to sit on it himself a few hours later. Or the time Max tried to make cookies for us as a surprise early Christmas morning one year and nearly set the house on fire. Or the time Iggy was out night-flying and accidentally landed on a pack of fifty Erasers. Or the time Nudge left her curling iron on next to the sink and it almost short-circuited the entire house's electricity.

Or now.

Because the vibes Fang is sending out right now are worse than the ones Max projected when she caught him kissing Lissa.

More specifically, he's really mad and really nervous at the same time. And his thoughts are sort-of alternating between _Damn Max, damn her to the deepest pits of hell_ and _Holy shit_ and _How the hell do I ask him?_

... And Max wonders where I learn swear words?

Setting my coloring book down on the navy-blue couch where I've been sitting (in the living room of Max's mom's house - we crashed here a week or so ago), I perk up my ears the way Total does when he hears the word "Bacon" and further tune in to our Flock's resident emo's thoughts. It seems like he's pacing back and forth in front of the warning-sign-covered door to Iggy and Gazzy's room, trying to summon some courage. Digging deeper, I find that Max forced him into asking Iggy what Iggy knows about The Facts of Life (whatever they are.)

Suddenly, _Angel? Are you prying again?_

_Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean to!_ I send back, making a mental note to be more careful from now on and backing out of Fang's mind enough that I can only hear his peripheral thoughts. Which, at the moment, are _All I need now is Angel listening in and learning things she shouldn't. Damnit, Max, this is what you call a "smart idea"?_

_What's our blind chef doing through all of this?_ I wonder, finding his thoughts. He's sprawled on his bed (how he can find room to do that is anybody's guess, what with all the clothes, blankets, food, and random gadgets piled around it), blasting some Green Day song or other as he doodles bomb designs. As for how he can doodle designs when he can't even see them ... that's anybody's guess, too. Or maybe because the paper is white ...

Just then, Fang thinks _Oh, what the hell, might as well get this over with,_ and pounds at thunderstorm-volume into a sign reading "Warning, you have been warned."

"Who dares disturb my all-important planning session?" Iggy calls (and thinks).

"God," Fang answers.

"No."

"Wait, what?" Confusion invades Fang's mind.

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in God," Iggy explains. "I do, however, believe in strippers named God ... But I didn't order any strippers lately, unfortunately ... So, Fang, you obviously aren't God. Unless of course you banged your head and are halucinating ..."

"Just let me in, damnit! Or Max will kill me later!" I can hear Fang pound on the door from where I am downstairs. It sounds like the embodiment of impending doom. I wonder what impending doom would look like … it would probably be dark and scary, wearing a huge black cape, with even huger, even blacker wings … like Fang. Oh my gosh, maybe Fang is the embodiment of impending doom! That explains SO MUCH!

Anyway …

_Don't huff and puff and blow the house down, Fang,_ Iggy thinks. _That's my job. _Unfazed, he asks, "What's the magic word?"

"Please," Fang snarls.

"Wrong."

"I see your manners haven't improved any."

"Also wrong."

"Um ... strippers?"

"Wrong, but lovely, I'm sure."

"Bacon?"

_Thank God,_ Fang thinks, which I take to mean that Iggy let him in. There must be some Diary of a Lovesick Mutant-reading going on ... (Diary of a Lovesick Mutant is something Iggy read online. It's got something to do with timelines of death and a lot of bacon. I don't think the internet is good for Iggy. Just the other day he started yelling at Fang for being a deadbeat dad and not paying Justin's child support.

More quiet than a mouse escaping a sleeping cat, I climb the white carpeted stairs to the second floor, careful not to let them creak. From the top of the stairs, I zip across the hallway to crouch in a dark, creepy, dusty linen closet and easily pick up Fang and Iggy's conversation with my super-hearing. I could, of course, simply listen to it with their thoughts from downstairs, but this way I don't have to delve into their minds as much, greatly decreasing my chances of being caught "snooping." Or at least, that's what the others would call it. I like to think of it as monitoring my Flock to protect them from harm.

Crouching beneath a shelf stacked high with extra blankets (as it's summer right now, we don't need them), I tune my ears in to the conversation in the room across the corridor.

"So, what in the name of Bacon is so important that Max would kill you if you don't talk to me about it?" the blind chef is inquiring. (Yeah, he's definitely been re-reading Diary of a Lovesick Mutant.)

Fang's thoughts are a mixture of _Crap crap crap crap_ and _I'll murder her, I'll ..._ (okay, I'm not sure what he was describing here, but it doesn't sound pleasant) as he stutters into a reluctant question.

"Ig ... Ig ... Iggy ... Iggy, wha ... Iggy, what ..."

"Spit it out already, man!"

"Iggy, what do you know about The Facts of Life?" Fang bursts out after what seems like eternity, simultaneously thinking, _There, I said it. Can I go home now?_

Iggy immediately bursts into laughter louder than one of his bombs. "Which ... facts ... of life?" he chokes out after about a minute of his amusement and Fang's bafflement.

The tall, dark emo must look more confused than a poptart in a pencil sharpener, because Iggy adds, "There are The Facts of Life Your Parents Tell You, The Facts of Life You Learn in Health Class, The Facts of Life Your Older Siblings/Cousins Tell You, The Facts of Life You Learn in the Locker Room, The Facts of Life You Learn from Experience, The Facts of Life You Get off the Internet, and ..." - he thinks _Insert creepy eyebrow wiggle here_ so I assume that's what he's doing - "The Perverted Facts of Life. Which would you prefer me to recite?"

_Please, God, if you exist, save me from this insanity,_ Fang internally begs. "Just ... the shortest one," he says. It sounds like it's through gritted teeth.

"Okay, then! Perverted Facts of Life it is!" the pyro exclaims happily.

Fang's thoughts ... well, I can't describe them in detail without putting myself in depression. I'll just say that if I don't know better, I would think he's being burned alive while falling off a cliff with his wings torn off into an erupting volcano.

If only I could see his facial expression ... and if I had Nudge's camera ...

"Number one -" Iggy begins.

"WAIT!" Fang croaks, his mind now concentrating on how to get his voice box operating properly. "You'll make this as quick and painless as possible, right?"

"Of course ..."

A mental sigh of relief from our resident emo ...

"... NOT."

... and we seem to be in danger of loosing the only one of us who can actually cook.

"Okay! Fine! I'll just list them!" Iggy chokes out between gags, probably under a throat hold by Fang. Luckily for the Flock's health, he's released, all the while thinking about a complicated plan involving knifes, bombs, chainsaws, and something called a "crotch".

"What _were_ you going to do?" Fang wonders.

"You don't want to know." _Insert evil grin here_, Iggy adds via his thoughts.

"Anyway, number one ..."

_Brace yourself, don't panic, brace yourself, don't panic ..._

"All girls are beautiful when the lights are out."

I have as much clue what that means as a fish has to how human minds work (and take it from someone who can talk to fish: they have NO CLUE). Why does the dark make any difference how pretty someone is? But it must mean something embarrassing, because Fang feels more embarrassed than he did that time Max saw him naked (long story) and from Nudge's confusion, I can tell Iggy's laughter is loud enough to be heard downstairs.

"Number two ..."

_Oh God, if you exist, kill me now, save me from this torture ..._

"... Love your neighbor, but don't get caught."

And before Fang's face (which, from what I can guess from his thoughts, is redder than a char-boiled bird) sends Iggy into another fit of laughter, the blind chef adds, "And by 'your neighbor', I mean Max. And by 'don't get caught', I mean don't let her mom find you. You might give the old lady a heart attack, and I haven't done her yet."

"YOU ..."

"Pervert? Yes, quite. Thanks for the compliment."

"GET ME OUT OF HERE! I DON'T WANT TO BE WITHIN A HUNDRED MILES OF YOU!"

"Oh? But the door's locked, and only I have the key." A key which I can hear sliding under the door ... a key that I grab and stuff in my jeans' pocket before returning to my hiding spot ... No way am I opening the door! Why would I? To save Fang from his misery? Why on Earth would I do that? Who do you think I am, Fang's guardian angel?

I try not to snicker as pounding commences from the direction of Iggy and Gazzy's room's door. I never knew Fang could yell so loudly ... I can't _wait_ to tell Max about this. She'll love the story, I just know it.

For the next half hour or so, Iggy teaches Fang The Perverted Facts of Life. In my opinion, he's a great teacher (though I'm probably not the best judge.) Fang seems to understand every lesson perfectly, like a professional engineer stuck in an 8th-grade physics class.

I block out their thoughts after a while (too confusing) and simply listen to the conversation. With every new "perverted fact of life", Fang's prayers to be saved from his misery increase, and Iggy's raucous laughter crescendos until I'm surprised the entire world can't hear it.

I don't remember all the Perverted Facts of Life, but here are some of the ones I do remember:

**3. A girl in the house is worth two in the street**. ("Ah, Ella ... fun times ..." "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?" "Fang! I thought you liked Max!" "Shut up." "No thank you.")

**4. Virginity can be cured.** ("Never had a chance to try this one out myself, unfortunately." "Thank God." "What did you say?" "Uh ... yeah, that's unfortunate ...")

**5. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.** ("Those crazy people are so crazy ... who knows what they'll do?" "Thank you, Captain Obvious." "Fang, you're wrong. I'm Chuck Norris, not Captain Obvious." "Shut up." "You know, somehow I imagine you'll have a really hard time with this Law ..." "SHUT UP.")

**6. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.** ("But doesn't that mean if you're adopted, you'll never ... that makes no sense!" "Don't question the Laws." "I thought they were facts of life!" "They're Laws, too, depending on how much of a Believer you are." "So this is some kind of religion?" "Only the BEST RELIGION EVER! Wanna convert? We have Bacon!" "... Maybe ... NEVER ..." "Have it your way ... NONBELIEVER.")

**7. Thou shalt not commit adultry [unless in the mood]. ** ("What kind of mood qualifies?" "Any." "That just defeats the purpose, doesn't it?" "You act as if the Laws care." "I seriously doubt they do." "GASP! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE LAWS? THEY ARE ALL-KNOWING AND ALL-CARING!" "… Right …")

**8. Always have dibs on top (or middle). ALWAYS.** ("… Middle?" "Ever heard of a threesome, Fang? Actually, wanna join one? Ella and I could use some excitement …" "EW EW EW BAD MENTAL IMAGES GET THEM OUT GET THEM OUT GET THEM OUT!" "Wow. Who knew that Fang could squeal like a girl when he's aroused? I wish I could see ...")

**9. In bedroom golf, unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.** ("You know what the 'club', the 'hole', and the 'balls' represent, right, Fang?" "Yes." "So I don't have to explain it?" "No. Wait ... yes! YES!" "I love double negatives ..." "Screw you." "All you had to do was ask, honey pie." "… Never mind." "Are you sure? I'd make it as pleasant as possible …" "NEVER MIND.")

**10. Again from bedroom golf: players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. **("I remember this one time, I didn't obey this Law, and ... oh, it was painful ..." "I don't want to hear it." "Are you sure? I know how much you love laughing at my misery." "Still don't want to hear it." "Have it your way ... NONBELIEVER.")

**11. Strippers, hot girls, prostitutes, all single girls, and girls found alone in bars are all your friends. Your VERY BEST FRIENDS. The type that have sex with each other. **("How I wish Max would let me try this one out ... she won't let me into bars ..." "Good for her." "How can you take her side?" "Maybe because I actually have brains inside my head?" "I have Bacon inside my head. I PWN your brains." "No. Just ... no." "Yes. Just ... yes." "Just ... say the next one.")

**12. Watching porn is an educational experience. Do it often. **("How do you think I got so smart? It's thanks to my porn!" "You're unbelievable." "Am I? I thought the term was 'awesome.'" "How do you get smart off ... that stuff?" "You learn everything about a girl's - MMPH!" "NEXT ONE.")

**13. There is nothing wrong with being a pedophile, especially if the girl/guy is cute. **("Some old lady used this one on me once ... it was epic." "Not creepy ... epic?" "Well yeah! Not many old ladies let you run free in their kitchens AND blow up their houses after you have sex with them!" "When did this happen?" "Before you were born." "That makes no sense." "Your FACE makes no sense." "Your MOM makes no sense!" "I'm telling Max you said she made no sense." "What?" "You heard me." "Go to hell." "Don't rush me.")

**14. Lust crosses all boundaries. **("This is sort-of like the last one, isn't it?" "No, this one covers ALL boundaries ..." "I don't even want to think about what that means ..." "Bad idea." "Don't explain it." "Have it your way ... NONBELIEVER.")

**15. Perverted jokes are educational to those around you. Make them often. **("How did you guys think you got so smart? It was my perverted jokes!" "You wish." "I don't wish, I know." "No, you don't." "Yes, I do." "No." "Yes." "No." "EGO WAR!" "Just move on.")

**16. Girls/guys enjoy having their private parts touched by complete strangers. **("I know I do." "You don't count." "Are you sure? I think I count double." "I think you count half." "How about I test it on you?" "NO!" "Have it your way ... NONBELIEVER.")

**17. When someone tells you they hate you or think you're disgusting (or insult you in any way), that really means they want to have sex with you.** ("This is one of my favorites." "Of course it is." "Why not?" "It's disgusting and wrong!" "Just like me!" "That might be the first true thing you've said all day." "Thank you." "It wasn't a compliment." "… Oh.")

**18. Never give up. Except in the case of your virginity. **("I gave that up years ago ..." "Don't want to hear it ..." "Are you sure? It involves Max ..." "NOOOOOOOO!" "Just kidding." "I hate you." "I love you too, dear. Let's get married, shall we? I think I shall wear a bright red tuxedo… do you really want diamonds in your ring? I was thinking I could just buy some crackerjack boxes and find you one of those rubber rings that they pass out; that's the cost-effective way to do things. We can have Max get a clerical license from some drive-through place and she could be our priest… or would you prefer Gazzy to do it?" "NO." "Oh, the rejection … this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me … oh, the pain, the pain … Justin will be so horrified …" "JUST GET THIS OVER WITH." "Have it your way … NONBELIEVER.")

**19. Clothes are for wussies. **("Sure. And freezing to death is also for wussies?" "You're catching on! Fang! I'm so proud!" "It was sarcasm." "Oh. Well, damn. I thought for a second ..." "Don't think, it's bad for you." "Oh yeah. Right.")

**20. Tampons are also for wussies. As is any form of birth control. **("That's just stupid. People are going to get pregnant with a rule like that!" "Notice how you said 'people', not 'girls' ..." "Shut up." "I was pregnant once ... that's how our darling Justin happened …" "SHUT UP.")

**21. If you can see it, you can screw it.** ("But not everything that can be seen can be screwed." "I'm not going to ask." "I'll tell you anywa - MMPH!" "SEXIST PIG." "Oh, god, the jewels! THE JEWELS! STOP! STOP! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SCREW AGAIN!" "Perverts like you should be quarantined!" "There's only one more! Please, let up!" "Fine, just one more. Then I'm out of here.")

**22. All you need is love sex. **("All you need is sex, sex ... sex is all you need ... Ah, I love the Beatles." "Too bad they weren't perverts like you." "Yeah, they were only druggies. Though you never know." "I don't really want to." "Good point.")

"... Are you done?" Fang whispers, almost afraid to ask like Iggy's his worst nightmare instead of one of his best friends.

"Sadly, yes," the pyro replies, so sad that I imagine tears coursing down his cheeks.

_Thank God_, _Yes, I believe in you now._

One fighting match later (in which Fang beats Iggy half to death - I suppose the murderous rage worthy of Max when she hasn't slept in a week helped) the dark-colored bird-kid finally asks the one question I've been dying to hear.

"Where did you _learn_ this stuff?"

"From experience," Iggy says proudly.

An angry glare from Fang that's enough to double Global Warming, and ...

"... Okay, find, from the internet."

"Sick bastard."

"Thank you, Fangster. Or do you prefer Fangles? OW! THAT ONE HURT!"

Silent like a deadly ninja, I slide the sparkling gold key under the door over the soft white carpet to Fang. Racing back downstairs, I can hear the usually silent bird-kid's tortured scream as he re-lives everything he just heard, alone in the safety of the bathroom. Not the most pleasant thing to hear - it makes Justin Bieber sound good. I guess that's why Fang doesn't talk much.

I don't know about Fang, but I've learned a lot today. The Perverted Facts of Life are ... incredibly interesting, even if I don't understand any of it. And what I don't understand, I can ask Max about. She'll enjoy the story anyway, I bet.

* * *

"Hey, Max?"

"What is it, sweetie?"

"What's porn?"

"WHAT?"

"Well, I heard Fang and Iggy talking about it yesterday, and -"

"FANG! IGGY! KITCHEN! NOW!"

... Maybe she won't like the story as much as I thought ...

Oh well. At least I get to watch Fang and Iggy get beat up!

Now where does Dr. Martinez hide that popcorn?

* * *

**WARNING: INCREDIBLY LONG A/N AHEAD.**

**Iggy: That was beautiful.**

**Me: Are you actually not being sarcastic?**

**Iggy: Unbelievably, yes.**

**Me: BROCCOLI! *hugs***

**Iggy: I regret ever letting you watch Eddsword.**

**Me: But … it's so awesome! And so funny! And so violent! And so full of British people! With British accents!**

**Iggy: True. But that's off-topic.**

**Me: Also true. Besides, we need a back-up plan.**

**Iggy: Why?**

**Me: In case Saint decides she doesn't like this entry to her contest, OBVIOUSLY. We need a way to bribe ourselves into victory! Or at least the top four. I wanna get interviewed by Fang.**

**Iggy: Who's we?**

**Me: You and me. Duh.**

**Iggy: So I'm helping out now?**

**Me: Yup! **

**Iggy: Do I have any choice in the matter?**

**Me: Do you want me to take away your bomb privileges?**

**Iggy: I guess I'll help.**

**Me: Good dog!**

**Iggy: So … can we bribe Saint with bacon?**

**Me: Nah, too Diary of a Lovesick Mutant.**

**Iggy: Strippers?**

**Me: She's not a pervert like you.**

**Iggy: Money?**

**Me: That's my book money! No way!**

**Iggy: Explosives?**

**Me: Do you want her to murder us?**

**Iggy: Jayfeather's stick?**

**Me: Saint's too awesome to have read Warriors … she wouldn't get it …**

**Iggy: I give up.**

**Me: That doesn't work either! Darn it, what can we use?**

**Iggy: Don't ask me, I couldn't care less.**

**Me: HOLY SWEET WHALE CARCASS I'VE GOT IT!**

**Iggy: What? And why must you always use that stupid expletive?**

**Me: Because it's awesome! And if you're curious … *holds up pair of Fang's boxers and pictures of Fang naked***

**Iggy: … Where did you get those?**

**Me: Why? Want some?**

**Iggy: NO!**

**Me: IGGY WANTS FANG'S BOXERS!**

**Iggy: NO! I'M NOT THAT PERVERTED! DON'T BELIEVE HER! **

**Me: Actually, Lilah gave 'em to me … I don't want to know where she got them.**

**Iggy: I don't either.**

**Me: So now that we have a bribery strategy … let's just leave, before we win the prize for Longest A/N Ever.**

**Iggy: Didn't that guy with a username nobody can pronounce … the one who writes Me, Max, and a Dog Kennel … win that?**

**Me: Tgypwya?**

**Iggy: Yeah, him.**

**Me: Well, he's about to be PWN'D. With our A/N!**

**Iggy: Not something to be proud of …**

**Me: Anyway, to anyone weird/awesome enough to still be reading this … reviews are loved! Loved and cherished the way Iggy cherishes his alone time with Ella …**

**Iggy: I hate you.**

**Me: I love you too, Iggykins.**

**Iggy: *glare of ultimate evil and pink bunnies that explode and all that loveliness***

**~ Iggy and OwlinAMinor out ~**

**P.S. To Saint: Hope you enjoyed, and I hope this isn't too late to be part of your amazing contest. And, you know, a review saying what you thought would be nice … unless it's against your judging rules or something …**


End file.
